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How much sleep do you get? As someone who has struggled with sleep problems most of my life, I’m very interested in sleep issues and very conscientious about giving my own kids the best start when it comes to the best sleep habits.
Why are we as a culture so inclined to dismiss or denigrate sleep? I remember being in high school and having a friend moan, "I’m sooo tired!" How often do we hear "I’m so tired"? How often do we say it?
This can be a tough issue for teens. Ironically, as kids age, they begin to need more sleep than they used to. According to Dr. Marc Weissbluth in his great book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, "Many teenagers over age fifteen require more sleep than in previous years to maintain optimal daytime alertness." Which could not come at a worse time, as homework increases, extra-curricular events increase, and the demands of part-time jobs increase.
Teenagers have all sorts of great ideas. These may involve camping unsupervised with a group of friends, going to an unsupervised party at a friend’s house while the parents are away (or, worse, throwing an unsupervised party at your house while you are away), or or taking a summer job tree planting in northern Ontario. While these ideas may be great as far as your child is concerned, you may have some serious reservations yourself.
So what do you do?
This article is a bit of a departure for me, in that I didn’t actually write it myself. It was a handout that I received at a workshop that I attended when I was in graduate school, and have recently come across while spring cleaning my filing cabinets. I think it gives a great overview of how parenting has changed over the past number of generations, and helps us to really understand why some of the previous "go-to" parenting strategies are just not working as they used to.
The article was written by an Adlerian counsellor named Steve Maybell. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any contact information for him as he doesn’t appear to have a web site. But he has written a number of books that you should be able to find at http://www.chapters.ca/ or by going through the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology web site at http://www.alfredadler.org/. This article is quickly becoming a staple in the work I do with parents today; I hope it provides you with a number of your own "aha" moments.
We took our kids to Great Wolf Lodge for the night, to celebrate our daughter’s momentous achievement of reaching the ripe ol’ age of two. The trip did not go exactly as planned (the birthday girl totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and was a pill all day), but we still had a good time.
When I think about the trip, it’s not the water park that stands out as the most notable moment; I actually think about listening to the two of them talk — when they were supposed to be sleeping — as they were lying in the bunk beds in the little "cabin" in our room. I’m still not entirely clear on what a four year old and a two year old have to say, but they managed to talk quite a bit. (Eventually my older daughter begged her sister to stop talking because she was "really, really tired." For the record, her sister did not oblige until she passed out from exhaustion herself.) They’re both pretty young to remember the trip in the long term, but we had fun at the moment, and parts of it will certainly stand out for my husband and me.
In this busy, 24/7 work-world we live in, how much time do we set aside for making memories? A week or two out of the year, perhaps. But the truth is that the memories our kids keep will probably not be the trips to Great Wolf Lodge or the extraordinary events. Sure, the odds are, they’ll remember them, but when they call up the most meaningful moments of their childhood, they’ll probably recall the mundane and run-of-the-mill moments much quicker than the splashy (no pun intended) ones.
How many daily power struggles take place in your house? Do you sometimes feel as though your teen is saying "no" just for the sake of being disagreeable? Well, you may be right. Some kids just need more of a sense of control in their lives. You probably noticed this from waaay back, when they were preschoolers and even toddlers. Some parenting experts theorize that whatever you saw in your kids as a toddlers, you’ll see again as teenagers. (Not very comforting for those of you who may be reading this and still have toddlers at home. I’m very sorry to be the bearer of bad news.)
However, there are some things we can do. The need for power is not a bad thing. We all need to feel a degree of autonomy and control in our lives. It’s the excessive need for power that becomes a problem. And although we may not be able to "control" how much control our individual kids need for themselves, there are things we can do that can help to not fan the flames and even deescalate power struggles as they arise.
Many of us have anxiety about public speaking. But what do you do when it’s your child who’s terrified of doing a presentation?
The best thing to do is to have your child, with or without you, have a private discussion with the teacher about the stress it creates. This is such a common fear, it can’t be the first time the teacher has run into it, so perhaps he or she has a plan for coaching kids through the process and helping them feel more confident.
For anyone who reads the National Post, I hope you saw the article on page A15. Entitled Perfect Angels, it was written by Alan E. Kazdin, who is a professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale University (so he should know what he’s talking about!). In the article, he describes how research continues to show that punishment is NOT effective when it comes to changing behaviour, and how the only method that has been consistently shown to bring about lasting change is the use of positive reinforcement.
Here’s an example from the article of what he’s talking about:
Whenever you see the child do what you would like, or even do something that’s a step in the right direction, you not only pay attention to that behaviour, but you praise it in specific, effusive terms. "You were angry at me, but you just used words. You didn’t hit or kick, and that’s great!" Add a smile or a touch — a hug, a kiss, a pat on the shoulder. Verbal praise grows more effective when augmented via another sense.
Now, in Democratic Parenting terms, what he actually means is to provide verbal encouragement as opposed to verbal praise, but despite the difference in language, the suggestion for parents’ behaviour is the same. By focusing on concrete, specific actions your child has taken, by recognizing them and the effort your child is making toward change, we encourage a real sense of accomplishment and pride in our children — and let’s face it, we all do better when we feel good about ourselves.
I’d never heard of Dr. Kazdin before, but I’m interested in checking out his book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. Has anyone else read it?
What does it mean to be a mother or a father in today’s world? Being a mother
used to mean you maintained the home and looked after the kids, while being a father meant that you went to work and earned the money. And when we look back at television shows or movies from that time, everything seemed so easy. Everyone knew what their “job” was – job in the sense of work and in the sense of role.
Not anymore.
"Discipline" is something of a loaded word in parenting. So I’m holding a workshop to set the record straight.
Join me on Thursday April 3rd, from 7-9pm, for From Spanking to Grounding: Disciplining Your Kids. The workshop is being held and is sponsored by Walton Memorial United Church in Bronte, and it’s the third (and final) session of their parenting series.
We’ll be talking about what disciplining means, effective and ineffective ways to get your message across, and practical strategies to help you raise responsible and respectful kids. It’s a workshop for parents of kids of all ages, so if you’ve got kids, you’re welcome to join us!
Hope to see you then.
Andrea Ramsay Speers
Oak Park Wellness Centre
231 Oak Park Blvd.
Oakville, ON
(905) 901-3402
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